my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
