i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
