I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
