its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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