Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
