I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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