are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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