take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
