i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
