I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
