Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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