Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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