Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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