i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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