I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Acid is not a monday night drug
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
