He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
