you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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