i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
