Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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