Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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