do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
