You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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