My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
