I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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