Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
