I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Then you guys just all showered together...?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
