So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
