The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
