I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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