my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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