omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
