the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
