Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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