I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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