I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
