I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
