I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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