When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
