So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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