the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
