Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
