I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
