Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
