Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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