Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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