i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
