my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
