So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
