the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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