Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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