Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
